Huntington, West Virginia. Does that name ring any bells? No? I’m not surprised. 

This town, supposedly the second largest in West Virginia, is right on the Ohio River and gives all the typical WV vibes in spades. Right after crossing the big bridge from Ohio, you hit this piece of road that can only be described as “patchwork.” The first time I drove across it, my dad and I immediately burst out laughing. It was simply a patchwork quilt of different road materials pasted down to keep your tires from going through. This bridge is your welcome mat to Huntington and should leave you with no questions about what is to come. 

Upon exiting the interstate, the town seems innocuous enough. There’s a gas station and a Taco Bell just across a tiny memorial bridge. One thing to know about WV: every bridge is a memorial bridge. What do I have to do to get myself a memorial bridge in WV? 

The hotel I’ve stayed at during my visits is pretty nice. You cross the memorial bridge, head up the hill, and at the crest find a children’s dentist office with a massive statue of an elephant, chimpanzee, and lion riding a whitewater raft while wearing helmets and life jackets. Just behind this whimsical dental wonderland is the Fairfield Inn, and an Amazon building. Here, hidden away above the rest of Huntington, I make my temporary home. Inside is a clean, updated lobby with floor to ceiling windows and a picture-perfect mountain view. The rooms are your typical hotel digs, the beds are comfy, and the showers are surprisingly spacious. 

Once Derek arrives and drives me down from my Rapunzel tower of a hotel, we get to see the real Huntington. Cross that memorial bridge, turn left, and you hit road construction. The speed limits are low in this town. The school zones are 15mph. I just don’t think it’s possible for Natalie to go 15mph. She would be shuddering and shaking the whole time. 

It’s once you get closer to Derek’s apartment and actually into the town that the Tudor’s Biscuit Worlds start appearing. You also see a hospital that is part of Marshall University. By the way, did you know that Marshall University is in Huntington? Did you know that Marshall University had some students die in a plane crash? Did you know that Marshall University has a bison for a mascot? Did you know that everything in Huntington revolves around Marshall University? Did you know that Huntington’s entire personality is Marshall University?

If you’ve never heard of Marshall University, don’t worry, because I never had either. 

If you’re looking to go shopping in Huntington, you might want to go to the Huntington Mall. But be aware that the Huntington Mall is located 15 minutes away in the neighboring town of Barboursville. 

On my first visit to Huntington, we went to an Italian restaurant that looked pretty nice. I was starving, and I ordered the lasagna which was to come with crumbled meatballs. I was excited for this. We got a flatbread appetizer which was pretty good. My lasagna arrived and I tore into it. Then, I realized I was eating something weird. What was it? To me, it tasted like microwaved shredded chicken. Dad got the same thing and was also not sure of what it was. He flagged down the waitress and I asked her if it was chicken. She said, no, it’s shredded pork. ??? I looked at her confused and muttered, it was supposed to be crumbled meatballs. She gave me a look and walked away without comment. Maybe I should have thrown my plate against the wall and stormed out, but I just picked all the pork out and ate the pasta. Later, I left them a review asking why the menu said crumbled meatballs. Their response: For twelve years, we have been preparing our lasagna with our slow cooked pork. So the menu hasn’t been reprinted in twelve years? Prices haven’t changed? I call this a hoax. 

Something you’ll notice in just about any other state besides Ohio is that people simply do not care what their yard looks like. Most of Huntington seems to embrace the natural look when it comes to landscapes. Derek said he saw a guy firing up his push mower to mow a lawn that had grown to over a foot long. Of course there are some nicer houses in this town that have neatly kept lawns, and there’s a pretty nice park called Ritter Park that even has a rose garden. 

Speaking of Ritter Park, it was here that Derek and I saw a guy feeding dogs in the dog park from his car window through a chain link fence. You read that right. We also found a sort of makeshift bed in the woods (on a hiking trail) that looked like it had been recently occupied by a transient. 

When we went to church in Huntington, it was nice to see lots of families and younger people. The priest seemed jolly and stepped up before Mass to tell everyone that “Nathan had left for the Quo Vadis retreat in the panhandle.” He also went on to say that “if we had questions about something, don’t ask Alan because he’s not a mole. Just come straight to me. Alan doesn’t know everything that goes on in the rectory.” We heard a lot about Nathan and Alan during Mass and at the very end, the priest said, “Nathan…Matt Damon…I’m just saying, they look alike.” Amanda found a picture of Nathan on the website after church. He’s a seminarian. He looks nothing like Matt Damon. Also, he had walked through church with a garbage bag in his hand before Mass. The whole time I thought Nathan had left for the panhandle Quo Vadis retreat the day before, but no, he had left literally ten minutes before Mass! There was a donut and coffee social after church and maybe we should have just stayed for that, it could have been entertaining.

We never did find out who Alan was. He wasn’t actually a worker at the church (his name wasn’t in the bulletin) so he must just be a guy everyone knows. 

One Saturday after hemming and hawing around for a while because we really didn’t feel like doing anything, Derek and I drug ourselves to nearby Barboursville City Park for some hiking. As we drove through the park, I heard a woman looking at her phone loudly say, “White Tailed Deer,” and I wondered if she was looking up deer, and if so why, because we only have one breed of deer in these parts, and it’s white tailed. Later she and her husband were walking on opposite sides of the road and she said something and her husband responded, “Nancy, you’ve been saying that ever since we moved into the house.” Nancy said, “I know, but this time I’m really going to do it!” I get it, Nancy, I get it. 

Barboursville City Park has a lot of hiking trails. It’s too bad the map they give you doesn’t match these trails and that the middle-of-nowhere trail called Trailer Park didn’t take us to an actual trailer park. These woodsy, winding trails seem like the perfect habitat for Bigfoot and black bears who haven’t seen action in a long time and are waiting to strike. We saw about four or five terrified white tailed deer (I was able to identify them thanks to Nancy) and one of them jumped out of a bush right beside me, startling me and causing me to unintentionally and aggressively yell, “I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING” at poor Derek, who really didn’t deserve that. My nerves were at a ragged end by the time we reached a clearing and I looked to the left and watched a dark animal slowly emerge from a bush. I pointed and mutely motioned at the thing and was ready to bolt away when I realized it was just a dog owned by someone who was disc golfing and not my first and final sighting of a black bear. Finally, we stumbled out of the woods and walked through a thick cloud of Canada Geese to a swing beside a pond where we collected our thoughts and people watched. That night we cooked supper and finished watching the second Indiana Jones movie, which was terrible. 

While we were doing all of these things, Emma was off by herself exploring the greatness of Huntington. She went to the Heritage Station, found lots of liberal items in one store and a bunch of crystals in another, said she was uncomfortable and didn’t like it and that she’d stayed there for over two hours. 

My final visit to Huntington was my favorite because I knew I would never be coming back. It was also my favorite because I saw the bare minimum of the town. I brought board games for an afternoon of fun and we went to the “Frostop” drive-in for supper. They gave us some hot dogs we didn’t order. They had slaw, chili sauce, and mustard on them. When we each took the first bite, we grimaced, but after that we decided we liked them pretty well. If only that was an analogy for my relationship with Huntington. 

Emma and Catherine had gone to the Heritage Farm and enjoyed themselves. As they were driving downtown, Catherine remarked that Huntington really wasn’t that bad of a town. Just then she noticed that a drag queen was walking down the street. She quickly took back her words. 

I asked Derek if there was anything he would miss about his time in Huntington and he said, “No.” 

Huntington, West Virginia. Don’t go there unless you have to.