Catherine and I struck a deal that we’d share the burden of reading Miriam and the Stranger, the third book in Jerry Eicher’s trilogy that’s supposedly about Miriam although she phones it in half the time. We decided we’d read five chapters and then switch off. With forty-three (or as Lori Wick would say, fourty-three) chapters to contend with, we had a lot of work to do. The book starts out with an English guy who’s a reporter coming to Fannie and William’s house. 

“William says the man has an interest in tasting the full flavor of an Amish home.” Miriam is mute and can’t even smile and I’m done with Jerry thinking that a woman literally cannot form a thought in her head, say any words, or put a smile on her face if she’s looking at a man she finds attractive.

A visiting pastor is introduced to Miriam as “Mose Stoll” and she knocks over a jar of red beets, spilling the liquid on the table. She runs off to the kitchen because she’s so embarrassed and hides. Who cleaned up the beet spillage?

The reporter from earlier is named Tyler, he’s a rich trust-fund kid, is driving “the best SUV the rental company had,” and has a girlfriend named Hilda. He’s trying to find out where the Amish came up with the 2 million (“with the interest it’s earning, it’s more than two million, but to keep things simple I just call it ‘the two million.’”) to donate to the tornado relief fund. 

Mose is borrowing a deacon’s horse as he goes from door to door asking about Miriam’s character (not really, but basically) and has the thought, This horse is unsteady, I hope it won’t reflect on the deacon’s character. I already don’t like this guy. Mose is wondering why he made this super long trip out here to check out Miriam when there were single women in his community but her daed had such good things to say about her he had to meet her. He then thinks that Miriam is not a real beauty and while God created outward beauty the Scriptures do say beauty fades and beauty of the heart is the desired virtue. Mose is literally trying to find a fault of Miriam’s and hopes it isn’t a deal breaker. While Mose is talking to Bishop Mullet (lol) he says Miriam is almost too perfect but takes comfort in the fact her fiance died and she was jilted so she’s experienced sorrow. Is Jerry trying to make me hate Mose?

Tyler the reporter is making visits to Miriam at the schoolhouse and she’s drawn to him but I don’t know why except for the fact he’s not Mose.

Miriam is super attracted to the stubble on Tyler’s chin but knows that’s sinful so she tries to fill her thoughts with Mose. Every interaction with Mose has Miriam hiding her face or clinging to a chair or going red in the face and she can barely string two sentences together in his presence. This “relationship” is pathetic. In one of their lame discussions, Mose brings up children and Miriam hides her face in her hands and Mose says “You respond with shame as a virtuous woman should and I am grateful.” What the actual heck. 

Miriam wonders if she should tell Mose about her attraction to Tyler. I don’t understand this, nothing has happened and she’s determined nothing will happen so who cares? Mose tells Miriam a bishop will be ordained later in the year and there’s a good chance he will get picked. This guy is so full of himself while making it a point to find a virtuous and humble woman. Put me in a room with this guy and I can’t speak for my actions.

Miriam keeps going on about being so old and a spinster and I asked Maria, How old is she supposed to be? And Maria said, probably younger than you and I. This seems too accurate. Tyler is hanging around the Amish community to see what it’s all about and Miriam is put out cause he’s chasing after her and she can’t be with him but she has feelings for him. She is going to marry Mose even though it’s said several times she doesn’t love him and doesn’t have feelings for him. Then she says the Lord will give her feelings of love after she’s married to him. Mmhm. Can’t wait to see this blow up.

Miriam goes back home for Shirley’s wedding, but it just so happens that she’ll be able to attend the church service where the ministers “Draw Lots” to see who becomes the next bishop. Mose is in the running. She chokes on her words as she asks Mose if it’s okay if she attends. “You’re not my frau yet,” Mose said sharply. “And if I do draw the lot, you mustn’t make a scene.” 

Mose goes on to say that the best women are the ones who don’t speak much and have a humble, meek, and broken spirit. 

The way they choose the bishop is wild. Wild, I tell you. The current bishop and a visiting minister come downstairs holding three books. The visiting minister places the three books on a table in a line. Now, the three candidates for bishop each choose one of the books. Each candidate flips through his songbook, and the one that has a slip of paper fall out is the new bishop!

Of course the slip is in Mose’s book and as they’re riding home, he tells Miriam she now has to wear only black tights and must make her dresses two inches longer. 

At Shirley’s wedding her dress is an inch shorter than the community standard because Shirley ran out of fabric. Mose scolds Miriam for this then says it’s good that she feels shame for it, so she’s still a Godly woman. Okay. 

Back in Oklahoma, Miriam comes across English Tyler and he kisses her. She sobs. 

An Amish woman happened to be passing by at the time of this kiss, saw it, and wrote to Mose to tell him. The Deacon advises Mose that he should go to Oklahoma to sort out this problem and Miriam should make a church confession for kissing this Englisha. Mose agrees and decides he won’t write Miriam anymore letters until he sees her in Oklahoma so her guilt will grow in her silence. Toxic.

Fannie and William’s barn catches on fire and Fannie’s first thought is, what have we done to deserve this punishment from the Lord? And Miriam feels guilt that they’re getting judgement from God for her kissing Tyler. I…don’t think this is how God operates. Deacon Phillip’s, where Tyler is staying, barn is also burning. On the same night. Miriam takes this as further proof that the Lord’s wrath is upon them. The police find real signs of arson to the barn burnings. Then it seems Tyler launches an investigation into the arson and the Amish are mad. This is very vague.

Mose marches down to Oklahoma to confront Miriam. Miriam gets down ON HER KNEES and creeps forward to beg for forgiveness for kissing Tyler whilst engaged to Mose. Also they seem more upset that she kissed an Englisha than the fact she kissed another guy when she was engaged. Mose then says she’s going to be put under the bann for this kiss. I was left reeling for a solid ten seconds. This is extreme. 

News of the kiss spreads and reporters with camera crews descend upon William and Fanny’s farm. It’s a paparazzi scene when Mose pulls his buggy into their driveway and they start shouting questions at him asking about Miriam’s “affair.” He pulls her out of her bann and brings her out to the reporters. They ask questions and he starts answering but someone yells, “Let her talk!” Haha, Miriam? Talk? Unheard of. 

Against all odds, she manages to whisper out some denial of an affair. The paparazzi is still “hugging the road and flashing their bright lights at them.” 

School doesn’t get out til noon on Christmas Eve because Miriam had been under the bann for a week. “That’s my fault. My sins seem to follow me wherever I go.” Miriam, get a grip. It’s the schoolboard’s fault for not getting a sub. 

Miriam finally tells Aunt Fannie that she’s not perfectly happy with Mose and Fannie says, you’re not going to refuse him though?! HOW CAN SHE REFUSE WHEN HE NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE? 

Fannie shows Miriam a clipping of a news story Tyler wrote defending the Amish. Big whoop. 

Chapter 36 opens with Miriam having a crushed spirit and being depressed because Mose doesn’t have one word of endearment in his numerous letters to her. Fannie orders Miriam to bring her Mose’s letters because Miriam is moping. After reading them Fannie is aghast and says the letters are awful. “Has he ever said anything kind to you? Or touched you?” Miriam tells Fannie Mose never actually proposed to her, he just started planning the wedding. Fannie tells her Mose’s treatment is Not Okay and she’s going to speak with William. Who knew Fannie would end up being the hero in this book?

Tyler is famous and considering converting to the Amish faith because he’s not fulfilled by his famousness. Also, he just wants Miriam.

The deacon from Oklahoma writes to Mose expressing concern about his treatment of Miriam and asks Mose to come to Okie to visit Miriam. Mose is mad, decides Miriam is still full of sin, goes to a widow’s house, proposes marriage to her, she accepts, and he tells her to go on a diet cause she’s fat, then he writes a letter to Miriam breaking up with her. Miriam is upset because she thinks she has moral failing but Fannie is happy. Then Fannie tells Miriam Tyler has asked to join the “community” and wants to court Miriam. Miriam, choking on sobs, says, “I am in no condition to see Tyler.” A couple weeks later she sees Tyler at a singing and Tyler is there in Amish clothes and he tells her he loves her and she pretends to look for something on the buggy floor.

So Tyler is a simp and is dressing Amish and says he’ll become Amish and he asks Miriam if she loves him. She stammers that she does and they kiss. Miriam whispers, He brings the pieces of my heart together. 

My gosh. Tyler says he ordered Amish pants from a woman advertising in The Budget. Miriam thinks to herself, I could make them. Then: The time to sew his clothes hadn’t yet arrived. An Amish woman should be hesitant to sew a man’s clothes until after their wedding day. #saveclothessewingformarriage

Miriam is still hiding her face all the time and this time she hides it in Tyler’s shoulder. How many times have these clowns actually seen each other in person? Most of this book was them pining for each other after meeting once. 

Tyler proposes then says, Thank God for Amish brides. 

Tyler and Miriam get married and whisper the whole time. What else can I say, that’s all.