It’s been so long since I’ve done one of these movie reviews I can’t rightly remember how to do it. So we’re jumping right in. Dreamland Entertainment – they really liked the name Dreamland. Apparently the town was Dreamland, and their fake social media was called Dreamland too.

This is your typical Beauty and the Beast story minus Gaston, the enchanted objects, Belle getting forced to live in the castle, the Beast’s dramatic transformation, and basically any other semblance to Beauty and the Beast. The story centers around “Izzy” (why couldn’t they have called her…Bella???) and Grant Beiste, whose last name just begs to be said in as weird an accent as you can muster.

There were a lot of things I didn’t understand in this film. I guess this Grant Beiste was the heir to some business that was acquiring other businesses, but then he was on the verge of getting fired by the board? I don’t know. At any rate, Izzy’s Indian friend is opening a new coffee shop and she’s the social media manager. The coffee shop is literally a brick wall with a card table full of spices in jars and the guy puts spices in the coffee. There’s no coffee maker or espresso machine so who knows where the coffee is coming from.

Next, Izzy’s dad comes into the shop. Apparently he’s a farmer and he’s supplying……..something farm fresh to this coffee shop.

We also meet this old guy selling flowers on the street, Johnny. And more importantly we get our first glimpse of Grant Beiste. He bought Johnny’s flower shop and now the guy’s selling on a street corner. This guy is only as important as you decide he is.

Grant goes into the coffee shop (which is named “Charmed” of all things) and gets into it with the barista for no discernable reason. Izzy films the exchange.

Grant is angry that Izzy filmed it, and he runs outside, throws his coffee cup into the grass (litter bug!) and then promptly runs down Izzy’s dad, who incidentally is carrying a bouquet of roses from Johnny. Rose petals rain down after the accident.

Izzy witnesses the wreck. Grant’s two assistants come to the coffee shop to try to smooth things over with the barista. The guy has a weird country hick accent.

Anyhow, since this is Beauty and the Beast (supposedly) Izzy ends up agreeing to help Grant get his image back through social media. She says that she has a Master’s degree in public relations. THEN WHY ARE YOU WORKING AS THE SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER AT A BACKWATER COFFEE SHOP???

Izzy makes Grant do a bunch of stuff for PR. He goes to an animal shelter and Catherine pointed out his huge arms which are honestly rather gross. She said, “He could be on the Bachelor.”

Grant is given the task to bathe a dog that Izzy’s sister says hates baths. This dog is docile. It doesn’t hate baths. This dog LIVES for baths. Just not baths given by men with massive arms.

Grant does some more volunteering and helps at a clothes sale for underprivileged women. Then Izzy reveals to him he gained a couple followers online. He responds:

To celebrate, Grant takes Izzy out for supper and wears a tie with a map on it.

A tabloid reports that Izzy is Grant’s new girlfriend. Her sister is Not Happy and they exchange words at their father’s hospital bedside. Thus ensues the best scene of the movie. In between slightly raised-voice exchanges by the sisters, the dad says, “Girls. Girls.” and his head dressing wiggles around like it’s going to fall off. We analyzed the cap intensley and decided it was made by wrapping gauze around a styrofoam head then coating it with ModgePodge. Once it dried, it was lowered slowly onto the guy’s head.

Grant and Izzy then go to her sister’s bookstore to escape the paparazzi that randomly appeared, and they play some game where they choose three books that they think represent the other person. Grant chooses Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde for Izzy and then claims he didn’t know what it was about when she explains the plot to him. Sure he didn’t. Then he gives her the book Emma and says he chose it because Emma was always looking for the best in people. Was she though? Was she??

The next day they go to Izzy’s dad’s farm to I don’t know, take care of the animals that haven’t been touched in weeks since the accident? In reality they’d be going there to burn what was left of the carcasses of the sheep left behind by the vultures, but in the movie they move some hay or something around on sleds. Izzy, supposed to be a country girl who grew up on a farm, wears a cami under an unbuttoned plaid, skinny jeans, and high heeled booties to do farm work. Give me a break.

After the farm work, they eat dinner together and out of nowhere Grant tells Izzy he loves her and proposes. WHAT?? we all shouted. Then the paparazzi jumps out from behind a tree and Izzy is mad and storms away. Grant is left reeling. Izzy is sad a couple days later and makes a livestream apology video? She waits around the coffee shop for two minutes but Grant doesn’t come so she goes away. Then he shows up and he makes his own video apology and says something about how he “Hospitalized her father.” She and her sister watch it. I don’t know about you, but this is how I always watch videos on my phone in public:

She runs back to the coffee shop and they kiss, then they sit down at a table and the movie’s over. The credits roll and they’re still sitting there and Grant is quoting Jane Austen to Izzy OUT LOUD and I was squirming. Squirming in my seat, I tell you. This was so awkward. I hated it.