“Long Distance Princess” – the perfect film to watch when you’ve been searching for a story that prominently features absentee parenting techniques, styrofoam heads, close-up shots of plates of deli meats, and Windows XP Home Edition. 

The story begins with a charming scene – cute junior football player Todd going about his life normally while 15 year old Lisa stalks him from behind bushes, poles, and hedgerows. Next we find Lisa, who cares about her health, exercising with her friend who is wearing a shirt that says, “FROGS DON’T SWEAT.” They chit chat chit chat chit chat about Todddddd and how cute he is. Frog friend reveals that Todd recently broke up with Cindy because she cheated on him. File that one away for later. 

Next, we switch to Todd. But not really, because for the majority of this scene we have to sit here and read the IM exchange happening between Todd and someone whose username is “longdistance.princess.”

Todd is head over heels for this girl but she lives in England and he’s never met her. Abruptly, we switch back to Lisa and Frog Friend hanging out in Frog Friend’s nightmarish bedroom. Frog Friend explains why she’s obsessed with frogs, but it doesn’t make much sense. Some gobbledigook about a prince being a frog until you kiss him. To give us a taste of her mental state, Lisa kisses a stuffed animal.

The next day at school, Todd (who sits next to Lisa in art class) catches a glimpse of an 8 x 10 glossy Lisa has in her folder.

From that face, you’d think she had a print of her kissing the frog in her folder. But no – it’s a picture of her with….LONGDISTANCE.PRINCESS, TODD’S INTERNET CRUSH!

Whaaaa?? How does boring Lisa know longdistance.princess? Todd, being a guy, immediately says “Let’s talk after class” to Lisa. For some reason after they talk, the two start hanging out constantly. I think that Lisa was supposed to be helping Todd with his art project, but that’s just the reason I made up because they never actually made it clear.

Todd is in the locker room with his football bros, two guys hired out from the local detention center who are masquerading as high schoolers and have weird discussions about “whites” and “blacks.”

These guys are pretty much pointless.

Lisa meanwhile is hanging out with her smart Asian friend who is Christian. He talks to her about religion for a while and how he’ll be happy with whatever path God has for him – whether that means he goes to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, or Stanford. Okay.

My favorite scene of the movie then happens. Lisa brings Todd into her bedroom (first off, why) and with an unsure, shaky smile, motions for him to look around. He is immediately drawn to the focal point of the room: a decapitated Styrofoam head wearing a long blonde wig and a plastic tiara.

We have to talk about this. First off, THIS IS THE WEIRDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE. Second, why is it in the middle of her desk?? It’s in the way of everything else. Thirdly, the figurines by the head. Fourth, her explanation: I’ve always wanted to be a princess and I wake up every morning and see this and it reminds me of it. Girl, I’d wake up every morning and jump out of my skin if that thing was sitting there staring at me with its dead expression.

Todd isn’t even phased by this and thinks it’s the coolest thing ever. So he’s a psychopath too.

He looks at her adoringly as we have to watch the both of them from this angle for about 15 minutes while Lisa explains the head.

Todd, who, yes, is disturbingly excited about the styrofoam head, is nonetheless pretty much just an innocent sweetie pie who goes right back to chatting up longdistance.princess when he gets home. He gets the bright idea that they could try “voice” and talk to each other.

From that photo, I’m starting to get worried about our little Toddy. I’m worried that he’s getting caught up in something…unsavory. The two start talking over “voice” and as my mom put it, longdistance.princess sounds like Mickey Mouse.

Lisa and Todd are making a pizza for some reason, and they both reach for the cheddar at the same time after Todd says that mozzarella is his favorite. We get a lot of close-up shots of the foods in this scene for no discernable reason. Lisa tries to put honey on the pizza, like a maniac.

After the pizza making, Todd and Lisa are confronted by Todd’s ex-girlfriend Cindy. (You’re telling me that none of these are high schooler names? Where the heck are you from? Stop questioning.) Cindy wants Todd back, because who wouldn’t. She picks up a paper from the ground and says “it dropped out of Lisa’s portfolio.” Of course Lisa carries around a portfolio. It’s probably filled with lists of names of her victims.

The picture that Todd finds is a well-drawn cartoon of him. I don’t understand why, but it makes him mad.

Of course Cindy, who wears her cheerleader uniform all the time, has planted this to make Todd mad at Lisa because she wants Todd back (again, who wouldn’t.).

In order to get back at her, Lisa takes a picture of her at a party with some REALLY BAD KIDS who are partying it up wildly by the equipment room, drinking WATER and listening to MUSIC! Somebody call the cops.

After the wild party at school, I thought I’d seen it all. But then, suddenly, Lisa and Todd are on their very own version of the Bachelor franchise’s famous body painting date. It’s – how do I put this mildly – a sight to behold.

After that has been burned into your retinas, it’s time for this movie to take a dark turn. Todd, who has realized he might like somebody besides longdistance.princess, is still voice chatting with her. The camera takes us to a dark room and who but LISA sitting there, talking in the Mickey Mouse voice.

So, yes, this whole thing was a catfishing scam. Notice the picture on the table behind Lisa. She draws an angsty bang over her face, and it’s made to seem that she does this every time they talk and she impersonates Mickey.

After some boring filler scenes, the cat’s out of the bag. Lisa accidentally reveals to Todd that she’s been acting like a British Mickey and he reacts by saying, “NO!” in a strangled manner that suggests a gunshot wound to the stomach. He crumples to the ground.

Lisa tries to apologize, but Todd, still crumpled, tells her to leave. I have to note that neither of these actors could summon real tears. They just grimaced and spoke in choked voices.

Todd consults with his ex-con friends. There’s a frog in a bowl on the table but no explanation is given.

Then Todd’s black friend gives advice, and this is a direct quote from the movie: “When a black man loves a woman he walks right up to her and put his mack daddy paws on her.” He then proceeds to scream and do an interpretive dance.

Meanwhile Lisa has turned to her Asian friend for help. He’s sitting at her piano playing one of those songs they play in the background at a retreat when they ask the Holy Spirit to come down or start praying about forgiveness. You know, the ones where they hold a single chord for about 10 minutes while speaking softly into their microphone with their eyes closed. “Father God, we just…we just ask that you would…that you would bring into the hearts of everyone here that sense of peace…of peace….” YOU GET THE IDEA.

Todd is also going through a transformative experience. He’s watching a Bible movie on TV. His life is changed.

He finds it in him to forgive his mom, the only adult to appear in this movie, and he goes to her house. Then, he decides to forgive Lisa too. I have to say, I think he should have moved on because Lisa has been a freaking psychopath this whole movie.

Lisa looks out her window to find rose petals arranged in this formation:

She grabs the tiara off the head, then races downstairs to find this:

And then the two dollar store crown wearing posers do this:

And as strangely as it started, this movie that featured exactly one adult in the cast and looked like it was shot in somebody’s house with their camcorder, ends.